Whatever Doesn't Make Me Stronger (Kills Me)
by Acadjonne d'la Baie
Summary: When Matt is fourteen, he wakes up to an empty room and the lack of those dangerous blue eyes he'd grown so accustomed to. He feels his heart shatter in two at the news of Mello's actions the previous night, and by the time the blonde's birthday rolls around a week later, Matt feels like a body without a soul.


Matt is seven years old when he first arrives at Wammy's, with only a copy of Crash Bandicoot and the clothes on his back. As soon as he arrives, he is brought to Mr. Roger's office, where he is asked a series of questions by a distorted voice over the phone (Watari, he later learns), and is asked to choose a fake name to use at the orphanage. He choose Matt, because it's a normal enough name, especially compared to Mail, but he secretly wonders why he'd even need a fake name in a place where no one actually knows him.

After the voice on the phone deems Matt worthy to stay, Mr. Roger leads him down the halls, towards where some children are playing. They pass them by, keep going, but Matt spots a white haired boy playing with some robots eyeing him up. Matt doesn't give the boy the satisfaction of annoying him.

Mr. Roger eventually stops in front of a door and opens it. Inside, there are two beds, two desks, and two bright blue eyes famed in long blonde hair. The other boy scowls at Matt as he enters, or maybe he's scowling at Mr. Roger standing in front of Matt, but either way, he decides he doesn't want to be on this boy's bad side.

"Matt, this is Mello." Mr. Roger gestures to the blonde. Looks like Matt isn't the only one here with an assumed name. "Mello, Matt will be rooming with you, so please _try_ to be civil." Mello says nothing, even as Mr. Roger tells Matt to make himself comfortable while he finds some bedsheets for him, and Matt sits on the unmade bed on the left side of the room.

Mello continues to look at Matt for a second longer before turning back to the papers on his desk. From the state of the room, completely empty on Matt's side and about as cluttered as you'd expect from a seven year old boy on Mello's side, Matt assumes Mello either hasn't had a roommate yet, or hasn't had one in a while. Matt tries to sit still, tries not to look around too much, but he's never been very good at doing nothing, and eventually he begins to look around at Mello's things while trying to keep his shoes from making too much noise as his knees bob up and down of their own accord. There's not too much stuff on Mello's side of the room, nothing that gives too many hints to his personality, though Matt doesn't fail to notice the Bible and Rosary on the other boy's bed.

Matt himself had never been overly faithful himself. When his parents were still alive, they'd only really take Matt to church for Christmas and Easter mass, or when someone they knew died. As far as he knew, he wasn't baptized, and he didn't know any of the stories in the Bible.

Thinking of his parents brought up some much-too-recent memories for Matt, so he tried to move his train of thought elsewhere. Luckily enough for him, Mello finally decided to properly acknowledge him at that moment, turning in his chair to face the newcomer.

"Did they tell you why you were here yet?" Mello asked. Matt frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"I'll take it they didn't tell you, then." He almost seemed pleased that Matt didn't know what he was talking about. "Well, there's this detective called L, and he doesn't have anyone to take over from him if something happens to him. So, his assistant Watari has Mr. Roger train kids here to be great detectives when they grow up so that one of us can take over from L."

Matt thought that seemed cool, and told Mello just as much, though as Mello continued to explain his train of thought shifted away from the other boy. Sure being a detective like this L guy seemed cool, but Matt wasn't sure he wanted to be a detective when he grew up. He didn't tell Mello that though, seeing how passionate he was while he kept going on.

Eventually, Mr. Roger came back with a change of clothes and some bedsheets for Matt, and Mello offered to help him make his bed. Matt wondered if it was really this easy to make friends as Mello continued to talk about becoming L's sucessor.

When Matt is ten, a new girl joins the kids at Wammy's. It's not the first time since Matt's arrival that this happens, and it definately won't be the last, but this one is different. She's the first runaway to come to Wammy's in a while, and she's run away from America.

It's not usual for kids to still have parents but be living at Wammy's. Most are left there, or at other orphanages but later brought in to Wammy's, and some stay there while their parents pay of Roger. Before the arrival of the young girl, there had been two or three run aways, all older, and all but one had left already.

The young girl calls herself Astoria, and says she's from New York. She's the same age as Matt and Mello, and arrives with a case of CDs and some spare clothes that still reek of nicotine and some other less-than-legal substance. When Mello asks, Astoria says her mother is dead and her father saw cigarettes and shots more important that food or bills, so she got as far as she could away from him. Astoria has blonde hair, though it's closer to being the colour of honey than to Mello's hair colour, and her eyes are like molten silver.

Astoria initially does well on placement tests; she nearly ties with Matt for this place, but he doesn't care as much as Mello seems to. He decided long ago he didn't want to be the next L. Her scores average out after that, and a few months later, she turns eleven.

At Wammy's, the kids will all receive one gift on their birthdays and another at Christmas. When her birthday rolls around Astoria gets a portable compact disk player for the CDs she arrived with, and takes up a habit of listening to her music while staring at a point beyond people's heads. Matt wonders if this is what he gets like when he's absorbed in his video games, but doesn't ask.

One night, while Matt plays Zelda for the hundredth time, Mello surprises him by speaking. His voice sounds tired, as Matt expected it would, since the last time he checked the clock it was past midnight, and that was quite a while ago.

"Do you think Astoria would be my girlfriend if I asked her?"

Just like that, something in Matt's chest squeezes, and he wonders what it is.

When Matt is fourteen, he wakes up to an empty room and the lack of those dangerous blue eyes he'd grown so accustomed to. He feels his heart shatter in two at the news of Mello's actions the previous night, and by the time the blonde's birthday rolls around a week later, Matt feels like a body without a soul.

He learns what happened that night from Near; how Roger told them of L's death, and how he hadn't chosen a sucessor, and how Mello decided he'd rather be on his own than to work alongside the white-haired boy to capture Kira. Matt tries to follow Mello's footsteps, track him down and ask him to come back, or to go with him, or to do something, but Roger stops him, somehow keeps stopping him, so Matt has no choice but to wait until he's old enough to live on his own. He tells himself it won't be too late by then, but the words don't stick. They rarely ever do, these days.

Somehow, Matt gets his hands on a pack of unopened cigarettes. He tries smoking them that night in his room, leaning over the edge of the window with his torso, but the first one burns his throat. The second cigarette isn't as bad, but also isn't much better, and by the time the sun comes up, he's smoked most of the pack and has ashes and burns on his fingers.

It's the first time since Mello left that he's felt anything at all.

Matt is nineteen and on a job in Los Angeles when the news bulletin comes in on Remembrance Day. It's just a coincidence that the TV happens to be on that channel in the moment, because Matt rarely watches TV and even more rare for him to watch the news, but when they announced the explosion something in his gut clenched, his heart faltering in his chest.

Even though Matt had been forced to wait until he was eighteen to leave Wammy's by Roger he'd managed to find Mello among a branch of the mafia. He was a top boss now, worked his way up a bit to fast for Matt's liking, and the redhead just knew that Mello would use his position to get criminals to help him catch Kira before Near. And now the idiot's gone and blown himself up, and a part of Matt's heart dies with his hopes of seeing Mello again.

It surprises Matt when his phones rings about two weeks later, with a blocked number he can't recognize once he decrypts. At first he thinks it might be Roger calling, but realizes he wouldn't wait this long to call Matt is he knew Mello was dead, so he answers, albeit rather suspicious.

"Hello?" He asks, and at first he hears nothing in response. He's about to hang up when a voice finally comes through.

" _Matt?_ " So the person knows his name. The voice doesn't sound familiar, so he doubts it's anyone he knows, but maybe someone looking to hire him.

"Yeah. How can I help you?"

" _Meet me in New York._ " The person says, and the lines goes dead. A moment later, a message pings on his computer screen, showing him an address and a time.

He packs his bag and leaves for New York that night.

Matt arrives at the arranged meeting spot three days later, at noon on the dot. He doesn't know who to look for, didn't even get the chance to ask, so he just plops down on a random bench and lights a cigarette.

Not a second after the stick of death is lit between his teeth does someone in a black jacket and tight fitting leather pants plop down beside him. With the hood up and the person slightly leaning forward, Matt can't really tell who he's dealing with still.

"Those things'll kill you." The person says, but Matt doens't care, just takes another puff of smoke into his lungs. The two sit in silence for a few moments, until Matt finished his cigarette, then gets up to throw it in the trash bin nearby. When he comes back, the person in black is standing. They turn to him, and Matt can finally see the person's face.

His eyes go wide. It's Mello, all grown up, living and breathing right in front of him. He really hasn't changed all too much, except his hair has gotten longer and there's an angry red burn marring half of his beautiful face. It makes Matt recall all the nights he'd spend thinking about that stupid, pretty face, all the time he'd waisted figuring out how he'd somehow fallen in love with the crooked smile and the knowing smirk, the angry eyes and the deadly glare. Matt didn't even realize he was staring until Mello broke him out of it.

"Take a goddamned picture," he snaps, "it'll last longer."

Matt takes a step back, and a moment later, Mello shrinks back too. Then Matt looses control of his body, and before he knows it he's got Mello in his arms.

"I missed you," he says, and his voice wells up more than he'd like to admit it does, "when you left."

It takes a moment for Matt's words to sink in before Mello finally hugs him back. "I know. I'm sorry, Matt. I am so sorry."

Matt pulls away, but doesn't let go of Mello. Neitheir of them can ignore how close they really are. "It's alright," He's lying through this teeth, and they both know it, "just promise you'll take me with you next time."

"I promise," Mello says. Matt hears in his voice how genuine he is, and decides to trust him.

Somehow, they've gotten closer without even noticing, and before either of them know it, their lips are pressed together. Neither knows who initiated the kiss, and neither really care. It's over as fast as it begins, but neither pulls away quite yet. A moment passes before Mello finally pulls back, grabbing hold of Matt's right hand.

"well, I didn't just call you here to kiss and make up. I actually have a job for you, if you don't mind." He's trying to sound serious, but his cheeks are almost as red as Matt's hair (though he supposes he's no better either). Matt nods anyways.

"Sure, Mello. Just let me know what you want me to do."

Just like that, they're walking off together. Matt fully intends to keep it that way.


End file.
